What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
