I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
