i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
