today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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