Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
