I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
