how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
time to smoke my breakfast
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
