One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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