Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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