remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
