if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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