dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
