I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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