I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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