just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
