yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
