I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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