Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
