The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
