6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Sext me about skeletons
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
