I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
