If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
