i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
