The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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