just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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