i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
