dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
