I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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