I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
