My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
