i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
