We got so high we made milksteak
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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