I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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