I wish my penis had an off switch
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
