I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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