I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He better not be in your backpack
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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