I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
