I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
