I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
