He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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