I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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