then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
