Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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