I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
