i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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