this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
