So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
