PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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