There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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