im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
