1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
