Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
